In My Life
by Hotaru Muraki
Summary: Inbetween missions, Duo muses over what has been, what is - and what he'd like to be.


Disclaimer: Neither Gundam Wing nor the song I mutil—er, used belong to me. "In My Life" is property of Bette Midler, Arif Mardin and Atlantic Recording Corporation. As for those gorgeous Gundam Wing boys. . . *sniffs* They belong a) to themselves and each other and b) to their creators & companies. I just borrowed them to have some fun. *BG*  
...And to get that plot-bunny out of my head. ^^

Warning: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I have to warn you that this has some slight shonen ai. If you don't like m/m stuff don't read any further! (If you decide to read on, remember: I told you so! *ggg*) Another thing: This could (probably) called SAP!!! 

Notes: This is the first song fic I actually finished. (It's from Duo's POV! ^^) Should I continue to inflict my works upon you? Or should I hide in shame and never ever do anything like that again? What do *you* think?

**~*~ I n M y L i f e ~*~**

by Hotaru Muraki

I guess that up to now, I've always been a bit of a drifter. Of course I had a home – sort of – at Maxwell Church but... Can you really honestly call an orphanage, no matter how nice it is, a 'home'? Then again... There are worse alternatives than living in an orphanage, ne?

L2 has never been a peaceful place – I guess no colony ever really is – but _that_ night... That one night even that little place I'd managed to make for myself was taken from me. When the church was bombed, my world and all that I knew and cared for went up in smoke and flames.

After that, l'il me moved from one place and job to the next, always leaving, never staying with anyone or anything for too long. If I didn't get close, I wouldn't get hurt, right?

_                              There are places I remember_

_                              All my life_

_                              Though some have changed_

_                              Some for ever, not for better_

_                              And some have gone_

_                              And some remain_

It became better after a while. I learned by experience that, sadly enough, most people don't bother to look behind the mask of a cheerfullysmiling face. So I became the merry jokester I still play today. For a while, that strategy worked. And at night, I was so tired that even the memories of Sister Helen, Father Maxwell and all the others I had lost were kept at bay.

When I teamed up with Solo, I thought that he was just like all the other people I had worked with before. He soon proved me in the wrong. Solo was the first in a long, long time who at least made a conscious effort to really get to know me. For a time, I almost believed that even someone like me could be happy. I appreciated what Solo did for me, I really did. And to this day I regret that I never told him. I know I should have. But now, it's too late for may-have's and might-be's. Solo's dead, dead and gone.

Anyway, back then, after the loss of Solo, there were few jobs I didn't take and even fewer places I didn't go to. That was shortly before Dr. G took me in and started training me as a Gundam pilot. I deeply resented this...intrusion into my life, my independence but— For the first time in my existence, my life had a _purpose_, a _focus_. I had something to live for.

Or so I thought.

_                              All these places have their moments_

_                              With lovers and friends_

_                              I still can recall._

_                              Some are dead, and some are living_

_                              In my life._

_                              I love them all._

Then, finally, my training ended and my mission began. I was sent to Earth. To sabotage OZ, to destroy their facilities, kill their soldiers – depending on what the particular mission required that I do. Quite a successful terrorist, aren't I?

One day, however, when returning from a mission, I saw a girl being threatened by someone with a gun. That someone. . .was you, Heero. And that day was the day I first met you. Quite an explosive first meeting, don't you think?

Soon after I'd met you, I met the others. Slowly we became the team we still are. Trowa's quiet strength, Quatre's gentle, caring nature, WuFei's fierce determination, your own grim silence – you, all of you, became the family I had never had but subconsciously always had longed for. However. You, Heero. . . You soon became something altogether different to me.

_                              But of all these friends and lovers_

_                              There is no one who compares with you._

_                              And these memories lose their meaning_

_                              When I think of love_

_                              As something new._

You are the _one_ person in my life that I've ever fallen in love with. I know how absurd this must sound, even to my own ears. I mean, just look at the two of us! I don't think it'd be easy to find two people who are more contrary than we are: you, the Perfect Soldier, cool, calm, collected and competent – and me? Shinigami. The laughing jokester. The smiling, easy-going, talkative 'braided baka' everyone likes.

Or, in your case, almost everyone. Oh Heero. . . I know what you think of me. After all, your "Omae wo korosu." is pretty explicit. But still. I prefer your threats to your stony silence. Pitiful, ne? Whimp that I am, I want to get scolded by you rather than be ignored.

Heero. . . . .

_                              Though I know I'll never ever lose affection_

_                              For people and things that went before,_

_                              I know I love and stop and think about them—_

_                              In my life,_

_                              I love you more._

Do you even have an inkling of how I feel about you? Any idea at all? Then again... Probably not. In some of my more morose moods I think of just...going away, leaving all those troubles and heartaches behind. I despair because I strongly doubt that you'll ever notice my feelings. But even if you did – what then? What would you do? Turn away in disgust? Carry out your death-threats – this time for real?

_                              Though I know I'll never ever lose affection_

_                              For people and things that went before,_

_                              I know I love, and stop, and think of them_

_                              — But in my life,_

_                              I love you more._

To leave the others would maybe only hinder my missions. To leave you...would only break my heart.

As I watch you on your bed, sleeping peacefully for once, I know that I don't have the guts to ever leave. Just as I won't ever tell you how I feel. Just as I absolutely will not risk your sort-of friendship by confessing to you. I know now that losing you to anyone or anything would really make my life a living hell. But...

One can always dream. Can't I?

_                              . . . But in my life_

_                              I love you more. . ._

I love you, Heero. I've loved you from the first moment I met you. And I always will.

_                              I love you more. . . . ._

**                              O W A R I**


End file.
